Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm Worried About My Retirement Fund

Don't worry little fellah. Tomorrow I'll unveil my plan to recoup all your money during this current financial crisis.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Combatting Corruption

Corruption is rampant. Lock up one crook and another one takes his place. Put one corrupt corporation out of business and a new one starts right up. Rather than trying to rid the country of corruption, we should embrace corruption. That's right; embrace corruption. If you can't get rid of it then utilize it to your benefit. How do we do this? The answer is in two words; licensing and taxing. License corruption and turn it into an honorable profession. And of course the more corrupt money you earn, the more you're taxed on those earnings. And to make sure that the wool isn't pulled over our eyes, hire the biggest, most corrupt crooks money can buy. After all, they know all the tricks of the trade.

Thank God I'm a genius (but a humble one).

Friday, September 19, 2008

Next Topic to be Covered is Combatting Corruption

No Cost Fuel for Your Car


Several years ago there was experimentation using pig poo or more correctly methane as a fuel source. While the results proved to be very promising, the corn needed to feed the pigs was diverted to the manufacturing of Ethanol as a fuel source for automobiles. And so, theMethane project fell by the wayside. There is however a no cost way of producing all the Methane we need.
Introducing the Crap-O-Matic!

A simple, viable source of fuel. Human crap is transported from the toilet bowl through a special crap resistant hose to the special Ca Ca filtrator. Now the secret is in the special Ca Ca filtration system with thousands of tiny holes to separate the Methane from the Ca Ca. The Ca Ca pot when full is simply emptied into your gas tank. SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE.

Some helpful hints:

1. For high octane Ca Ca just eat lots and lots of beans.
2. For long distance trips be sure to drink two gallons of Prune Juice four hours before crap extraction.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Stay Tuned for My New No Cost Energy Saving Invention!

My Economic Plan to Save America

These are indeed dire times. Lehman Brothers has gone bankrupt. Merill lynch has been sold off because of economic insolvency. Housing foreclosures are the highest in history. Some economic pundits are even predicting another Great Depression!

And so...I feel duty bound to save the US of A from this economic meltdown. I have also enlisted the help of a great economic Guru. I have teamed up with the great economic advisor Charles Keating. Let me give all of you a little backround information about this great man.

Chuck is retired now and happily living in Arizona. Before his retirement however he was president and CEO of a great, patriotic financial institution Lincoln Saving and Loan Association. He's bosom buddies with hero John McCain and other great, patriotic notables.

Now for my plan to get us out of this financial morass:

First off there should be absolutely no taxes whatsoever for the rich and big corporations. They need all their money to stimulate our economy. After all, the more you have, the more you spend. Now the way to make up for this lost revenue is to tax the hell out of the poor and middle class. They have nothing and so they really have nothing to lose. Remember; nothing from nothing is nothing. The middle class don't need cars. They're too fat anyway and besides they're polluting the environment. Less money will force them to eat less and that way they'll be a lot healthier. Look...the people in China used to ride bicycles and they were thin and always smiling. Now with Chinas newfound wealth, everybody's driving cars and now they have a terrible pollution problem. They're starting to get fat too. Gone are the good old days when they graciously ate nothing but fisheads and rice. Now they only long for Surf and Turf.

The mortgage crisis:

If the middle and lower class didn't greedily think owning a house of their own was a right, there would be no mortgage crises. Whatever happened to the good old days when people lived in tents and could commune with nature? Middle class America, get back to your roots and learn once again to breath that good, outdoor fresh air.

So you see, there IS a simple solution to a simple problem.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Change, Change, Change. Change, Change, Change.

Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change.

The Dems want change. The Repubs want change. Everybody keeps spewing change, change change. BUT...is change really good? The short answer is NO! What really happens with change? You enter the unknown. That's what! Suppose your wife decides to change where you put your socks. She changes their location from the top right hand drawer to the bottom left hand draw. Now you have to search for your socks. Suppose instead of your favorite eggs over easy, she changes them to hard boiled. And you HATE hard boiled eggs! Was that a change for the better? Obviously not. I could go on and on.

The real solution is "the same old crap". With the same old crap, you know what to expect. Good or bad, the same old crap is comforting. No surprises, no disappointments, no guess work. It's just the same old crap.

Let's be realistic and keep things the way they are. We can deal with that. Let's have normal party conventions without false promises, without empty rhetoric. Let's just keep wearing those stupid hats, getting bombed and finding those obliging hookers. Forget that change nonsense. Let's stand up and be heard. Let our voices ring from the rafters "It may be crap BUT it's the SAME OLD CRAP!