Name Change

President Obama has changed the name of "enemy combatants". They will no longer be called "enemy combatants". Instead they will now be known as and called "Towel headed, camel driving, Jew and Christian hating MOTHERFUCKERS".

Another Reason You Should Have Made Me President!

Now you see! The new guy enacted a new Stimulus Package just loaded with tons and tons and tons of PORK! That's right! PORK! Now since I'm an Orthodox Jew, I will not tolerate PORK! My new campaign slogan is: "Vote for the Saviour. He's 100% Kosher!

Where Has He Been?

I'm back and will answer that question very soon. Stay tuned.

My Plan to Save the American Auto Industry

As you can see from the photo, Crap-O Matic Industries is in full swing and is in production of Crapmobiles. This is the only way to save the American Auto Industries. Hybrid cars and Ethanol are definitely not the answer. Take the Hybrid Car for example. Instead of using petro based fuel, your plugging your car into an electrical outlet and increasing your electric bill ten fold. Where's the sense in that? As for Ethanol, your stealing corn for the cows and dinner plate and using it for car fuel. Where's the sense in that? With the crapmoblile you're using your own bodily waste to fuel your car engine. AND...we're working feverishly on a family sized Crapmobile. Think about it; instead of just one person supplying energy, the whole family can pitch in. The Crapmobile is the only car in the world that becomes more fuel efficient when more passengers are added. What an incredible breakthrough! I will also be asking the United States government for a 25 billion grant to plant acres and acres of Plum trees. Think about it; not only are you getting healthy nourishment but the Prunes that are made from the Plums is car fuel. That, as the expression goes is killing two birds with one prune pit.

A simple plan but one that makes sense! THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME THE SAVIOUR!

Freedom of Speech

The other day an anonymous reader left a comment on one of my blogs calling me an idiot and a racist. Personally, I really couldn't care less about the opinion of Mr. or Mrs. anonymous but, I deleted the comment. Why you may ask? Were you offended? Upset? The answer is absolutely not. I'll give you the answer in a moment. But, the question is; am I an idiot or a racist? Well, according to the IQ scores, I hardly qualify for the former. As to the latter, our anonymous friend has absolutely no idea of my prejudices or biases. In reality, I consider myself to be an equal opportunity put down artist. I goofed as much (or more) on McCain as I did Barack Obama. Yet I didn't see our anonymous friend running to the aid of poor John and calling me an anti geriatric idiot.

What seems interesting to me is the fact that you had to scour over 100 posts and photos in order to find one so that you could vent.

Get a life schmuck :-). Created your OWN stupid blog.

Now as to the reason that I deleted your comment if it meant nothing to me. In America you have every right to your opinion. It's granted in the Constitution. It's called "Freedom of Speech". Now as for the reason I deleted your comment... BECAUSE I CAN!

Is the free enterprise system great or what?

Interesting...

Someone sent me a photo montage circulating on the web with various cute animal photos being shown while in the backround the Platters were singing "Only You". One of the photos which happens to be MINE (the one you see above) was part of the montage. It's so nice to have your work used without your permission.

Coming Soon: My Plan for the Floundering American Auto Industry

Volcan Baru

Same Sex Marriage

Personally, I don't understand what the big deal is about same sex marriage. ALL marriages are SAME SEX! You get married, and every night it's the same sex.

More Infinite Wisdom

It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult, it's the jerks.

The reason most people are lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

If most people said what's on their minds, they'd be speechless.

How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their arm?

There was a time when a preacher's Little Black Book was a Bible!

When most people put in their two cents worth, they are not overcharging.

Germs attack people where they're weakest-which is why there are so many head colds.

Most people don't act stupid-it's the real thing!

My Concession Speech

My real good, very dear, wonderful and loyal friends:

Be ye not morose at our crushing defeat. Like the Phoenix, we shall once again rise from the ashes. Remember that the mighty Oak tree was once just a small Acorn. And next time, we're gonna use them Acorns as much as possible.

Let us use this time to heal the wounds and scars and stand behind (the bullets will probably come from the front) our new leader.

In summation I would ask that you stop wolfing down those Waffle House Home Fries. I spent a lot of money on this campaign and there's no need for me to spend more on you stuffing your faces.

Urgent Flash!!!!

As you all know, Obama is only half black. Well my dear friend, it appears that Obama has been trying to pull the wool over our eyes all this time. BUT...fortunately our hidden cameras caught this photo of the real Obama without all that phony makeup.

As your next President, I will NEVER resort to such chicanery as this!

(yeah sure)

Our Special Celebrity Endorsement and Entertainment

As you can see, I'm wearing my "attract the youth and black vote threads". I's even talking wit da ebonics. Yo's sees dat I'ma wearin' my shades an' I's got da bling blings.

Now we is gonna be sungs to by dat quintesential rapper 'Mastah Felon'. And da backup singers is the wunnerful 'Ebeneezer Evangelical New Christy Minstral Non Denominational Gospel Choir.'
(this should amuse those dolts)

Now he's da man ,
Cuz he gotta plan,
McCain be so old,
Dat he almost cold,
De udder guy,
Got caught in a lie.

(chorus by the choir)

Hail the Saviour,
Long may he reign,
With him there's no strife,
Let him run for life.

Okay Folks

We're down to the wire. Get out there and vote for me! Vote once. Vote twice. Vote as many times as you want for me! After all, it's your vote! You own it! Use it as many times as you wish! Join us tonight for our victory extravaganza at the Squirrel Hill Waffle House! All the Hash Brown you can Eat! Wow! Do you really want either of these two guys for your leader?

A Word from "The Saviour"

My Friends. My very, very, very friendly friends: Polls now show that we have zero percent of the vote. Great!! We have them exactly where we want them!

On another note, you've probably noticed that both of my opponents have celebrity endorsements and entertainment. Stay tuned tomorrow for our celebrity entertainment.

God bless you and God bless America and free the Lithuanian political prisoners.

Some Really, Really Great Quotes from "The Saviour"

"Ethanol is no good. We need the corn to feed the cows. Ca Ca is good. How many cows drink Prune Juice"?

"I love money and money loves me. Give me your money and I'll set you free".

"I will never say anything to dishearten you. I'll tell you anything that you want to hear".

"A war a day keeps the bad guys away".

"Bomb all your friends first. Then the bad guys will really be scared of us".

"No wasted money for medical attention for the really, really sick. They're just taking up valuable space".

"I come before you with absolutely no experience. Therefore I'm untainted by the Good Ol' Boy Network".

"A chicken in every pot and lots of Pot in every house".

My First Press Conference

Me: I want to you all you ladies and gentlemen of the press here today so that we can all better understand my policies and why especially in these troubled times it's so vital to our country that I become your Supreme Ruler or as some folks like to say, your Commander in Chief.

Okay, let's begin. You...the gentlemen with the specs and goofy plaid jacket; what's on your mind?

Reporter: Sir you recently called John McCain an old geezer and Barack Obama a political manipulator. Don't you feel that kind of rhetoric is a bit harsh?

Me: No. Not at all. Actually, my staff wanted me to call McCain an old fart but I declined because I want this to be a clean campaign.

Now on the Obama matter, first he said only those making over $250,000.00 would be taxed. Then it became $200,000.00. Then Biden said $150,000.00. Then then other day Bill Richardson said $120,000.00. Then Obama went back to $250,000.00.

Now I have it from extremely reliable sources that Obama intends to increase taxes to anybody earning more than $18.47 a year.

Me: Okay, next question. You..you. The lovely lady with the outstanding set of twins. Hey honey! Sit on my lap and I'll let you sit in the Cabinet. Heh, heh. Ah...just joking folks. What good is a President without a sense of humor. Okay toots, fire away.

Reporter: Sir. I find your economic tax plan to be rather confusing. You want to tax the lower and middle class and not tax the rich at all? Is that correct?

Me: Right as rain sweety pie. Look...it's really simple. The lower and middle class spend no money and so they don't need any. The rich buy everything. Take away the buying power of the rich and the whole economy goes to pot. Got any? Pot I mean.

McCains got Joe the plumber to be his cry baby. Well folks let me read an email sent to me by my cry baby, Irving the Gynecologist: 'Dear Mr. Crap-O-Matic; I've been a Gynecologist for over twenty years and have enjoyed tremendous success. I make far more than $250,000.00 a year. Heck, that's just a drop in the bucket to me. If you increase my taxes I'll have to cut bak on my essential services. In other words...goodby stirrups and hello coat hangers. Now I don't want to do that but look; I can't give up the Rolls or the mansion or the Cessna. I can't stop pampering my kid and four wives but, somethings go to go! Keep up the good work Mr. Crap-O-Matic. You are our SAVIOUR'!

Yes folks Obama is The One and McCain is the Maverick and I am The Saviour. Now also I want you to check out our new Saviour arm bands. They're so much nicer than those silly buttons.

Me: Okay. I think I've answered enough questions a day so let me bid you adieu and check out those snazzy new arm bands (psst... Frank.Get the phone number of the babe with the twins and find out if she'd like to be Clintonized)

Our Snazzy New Armband

Endorsement

I'm Alfred E. Neuman and I endorse this candidate because I can relate to him!

Okay! Here We Go!!

My friend; my dear friends; my very dear friends; my very, very, dear friends and friends of my friends. I come to you today to declare my bid for president of the United States of America. I do this not lightly but, what else can I do. Let's take a close look at the other two choices. An old geezer and a political manipulator. I won't bore you with a long, tiresome monologue as I've already outlined my political agenda in prior posts. Now let's really examine the issues.

The other two both talk about change and I've already told you that with me at the helm, there will be absolutely no change at all. Just the same old crap. Why venture into the unknown. Why foster false hope. With me, you'll know exactly what to expect.; No surprises here.

As mentioned before, taxes will only be increased on the middle class and the lower class. I'm not going to take away money from those who spend it.

To combat corruption, I'll fill my staff with the biggest crooks that money can buy. Let's learn the tricks of the trade from the best of them.

With me you'll truly learn self reliance because you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this president won't do a damn thing for you.

You'll learn how to live in totally recyclable cardboard houses. You'll learn as stated before how to mow lawns, rake leaves and prune shrubs. It may not be very fulfilling but at least you'll have a job.

You have my word that I'll be very well paid. After all you don't what a shabby looking president. DO YOU?

We'll have wars galore because in my humble opinion, "a war a day keeps the bad guys away". Let's start by nuking Great Britain. Bet that will surprise the the hell out of them. Of course they did nothing wrong but, we have to send a clear message to those countries that don't like us very much letting them know that we have no favorites and we're trigger happy.

In conclusion let me just say:

A VOTE FOR ME WILL SET YOU FREE!

A VOTE FOR ME WILL SET YOU FREE!

EEHAW (courtesy of Howard Dean)

A Few Words

Larrys my name and toilets my game and I'm a mans man.

Preamble to my Kick Off Speech

Before I start my bid to become your new Commander in Chief, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my vice presidential running mate. And so without forcing you my constituents to wait and wait, let me introduce MY choice for vice president, a man uniquely qualified, a man whose knowledge of toilet seats makes him ideal to carry on the work of Crap-O-Matic industries in case I'm not able, a man of few words and so not committed to political blunders, a man who does not drop his g's at the end of words ending in ing, the honorable Larry "wide stance" Craig. Larry, say something to the folks.

Tomorrow...

I'm throwing my hat in the ring and declaring my candidacy for President of the United States of America. If we all write in, I can be your exalted Commander in Chief. I have a special surprise Vice Presidential pick too. You're gonna LOVE this very special person. Tune in tomorrow for my kick off campaign speech.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS LITHUANIAN FOLK DANCERS (I had to throw that in 'cus my demographic team told me that there's a large Lithuanian U. S. population).

Words to Live By

"Live every day as if it were your last because one of these days you'll be right!"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that really counts."

"You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!"

"If at first you don't succeed...you're about normal."

More on Politics (or) Moron Politics

"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted."

"War is what happens when arms are used instead of heads!"

On Politics

"These days, the only time politicians are telling the truth is when they call each other a liar."


"It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their conscience. They don't want to take advice from a total stranger."

"The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having elected too many yo-yos."

"Isn't it amazing how political candidates can give you all their good points and qualifications in a 30 second commercial?"

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

We are pleased...No, We are thrilled to announce the addition to the Crap-O Matic Staff of a man who needs no introduction. An idiots delight. A fool among fools. A morons moron. The personification of witlessness. A cerebral wasteland. The man who I have personally chosen to be our spiritual and educational guru.

We have been in negotiation with this man for many months. The negotiations I must say were long and tedious. He wanted to get paid in cash but finally succumbed to shares of our "I invested in America" stock. Thank heavens he's such an idiot.

And so, without further adieu let me proudly present the Honorable Alfred E. Neuman.

TAKE IT AWAY AL!

Our First PUTZ Volunteer

I Knew That I Forgot Something

I forgot to tell you the name of my new fantastic job training program. I call it the Public Unemployment Training Zone or PUTZ for short.

Gotta Take a Rest

It's more taxing than you think to type all this garbage using just two fingers.

The Fantastic Job Creation Plan

If we go back in history to The Great Depression we see that Franklin Delano Roosevelt created the New Deal. The objective was to put thousands of unemployed Americans to work. The most popular of all New Deal agencies, and Roosevelt's favorite, was the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC), which hired 250,000 unemployed young men to work on rural local projects. Now while that was innovative then it does have a few flaws. First of all it was hard, physical labor. Somewhat like a chain gang. Only the most fit males were qualified for this type of work. Secondly, it involved and involves buying lots of expensive, heavy equipment.

Now my plan will put even more people to work and can be done by both sexes both young and old alike and there's even room for the kids to be involved too.

What we do is buy up a whole bunch of push lawnmowers and have the unemployed mow the lawns of all our federal institutions. Did you ever see the size of the White House lawn? There's tons of federal buildings plus federal parks and federal jails. And for the geriatrics, they can attach their walkers right onto the handlebars of the mowers and just mow away. AND FOR THE DARLING KIDS: they walk around with the newly patented Crap-O-Matic Wealth Spreader spreading the wealth.

Now for phase two of the plan: Obviously we've got to pay these folks. For the kids, just give "em a Snickers Bar. They'll be happy and dentists will be too. But again, we've have to remunerate the other folks. Now instead of giving them cash or a check, we give them a share of the 700 billion dollars worth of worthless mortgage stock that the government is buying. We tell them that now they own a piece of America. Give them a lapel button too that says "I invested in America."

I rest my case! Am I a genius or what?

Coming Tomorrow My Fantastic Job Creation Plan

Spreading the Wealth

Well, Barack wants to spread the wealth. But how can he do it? INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW CRAP-O-MATIC WEALTH SPREADER:

Coming Soon

My plan to create thousands of jobs.

A Big Welcome

We are pleased to announce the appointment of Joe the Plumber to Crap-O-Matic industries. If anyone knows crap, it's Ol' Joe. Joe has always been known as a hands on guy in the Ca Ca department. Joe will be in charge of Research and Development of the Ca Ca Mobile and the Crap-O-Matic.

Healthy Living

Bank Investment

The Fed has decided to use 250 billion taxpayer dollars to buy preferred stock in troubled banks. How will they decide which banks will get the money? Here's how: create a Wheel of Fortune to randomly choose different banks each month until all the money is used up. In addition have a lottery where the winner has to pick six banks that will receive the money. This creates a supplemental income for the Treasury Department.

Let's Help the Stock Market

Over the past week the stock market has sunk like a lead balloon and it appears that the bleeding hasn't stopped. Something has to be done. And fast!

Here's what I have in mind: Let's have a telethon for the stock market. Telethons are an oft used tool to aid the disadvantaged and right now our stock market is in dire need of our support. We could put ob a show and get people to send in pledges of money to be used to buy stocks and bring the market up to its former self. All you need is a bunch of entertainers to amuse the viewers, a few tear jerker commercials and a witty host. Now for the host I had in mind people like Pinky Lee or Marcel Marceau but sadly both of them are deceased. So who else out there could be silly and provide lots of laughs over a twenty hour period? Of course! George W. Bush!

The Car of the Future is Here Today!

Here it is folks; the first and one and only Crapmobile! Based on the engineering of the Crap-O-Matic, this car runs on self made Methane. No more high gas prices. No waiting in long lines. Not one penny of out of pocket dinero for fuel other than buying Prune Juice in 55 gallon drums!

Give These Guys a Break

It's been reported in the news that after receiving money from the Fed to bailout their company, a bunch of AIG executives went to a plush resort in California and partied. Taxpayers and Congress are outraged. How dare these execs use this bailout money for partying! Well folks, you've got it all wrong.

Being a keen student of human psychology I can tell you the real motivation for this behavior. They weren't trying to have fun with your money but rather they were looking for some stress reduction. It's just like when we feel blue and downhearted we eat a big plate of Ice Cream. Well, this is their plate of Ice cream. They feel terrible about their companys failure and all of your money that they lost. And so, what's wrong with a relaxing massage or a food feast to help them get out of the doldrums. Rather than villefying them, send them a couple of bucks to tide them over until they can find another job. After all, it's the American thing to do.

The Financial Crisis Plan

Banking institutions are failing. They're loaded with bad mortgage paper. Money liquidity has dried up. People have seen their 401k's sink in value. The President wants to give away 700 billion dollars to all these failing institutions to keep them afloat.

What can we do? There's no money available to buy a car, make payroll for small businesses, pay that college tuition. Savings have lost a great amount of their value. What can we do?? The answer is simple:

We as individuals print our own money. All you need is a Canon Copier and some paper. Whatever amount of money you've lost during this financial down turn, you just print up your own to replace it. And since it's your money, you can customize it anyway you like. You don't need a picture of a dead president. Replace it with a photo of your kids, your wife, your mother or your dog. After all...IT'S YOUR MONEY!

Now the government doesn't have to lend 700 billion bucks to these failing train wrecks. You and all your fellow Americans and fellow taxpayers have all the money you need. Just stock up on a lot of ink and paper.

Now that you understand my simple plan, I'm sure you'll sleep a lot better tonight.

I'm Worried About My Retirement Fund

Don't worry little fellah. Tomorrow I'll unveil my plan to recoup all your money during this current financial crisis.