Posts
Don't worry little fellah. Tomorrow I'll unveil my plan to recoup all your money during this current financial crisis.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I'm Worried About My Retirement Fund
Don't worry little fellah. Tomorrow I'll unveil my plan to recoup all your money during this current financial crisis.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Combatting Corruption
Corruption is rampant. Lock up one crook and another one takes his place. Put one corrupt corporation out of business and a new one starts right up. Rather than trying to rid the country of corruption, we should embrace corruption. That's right; embrace corruption. If you can't get rid of it then utilize it to your benefit. How do we do this? The answer is in two words; licensing and taxing. License corruption and turn it into an honorable profession. And of course the more corrupt money you earn, the more you're taxed on those earnings. And to make sure that the wool isn't pulled over our eyes, hire the biggest, most corrupt crooks money can buy. After all, they know all the tricks of the trade.
Thank God I'm a genius (but a humble one).
Thank God I'm a genius (but a humble one).
Friday, September 19, 2008
No Cost Fuel for Your Car
Several years ago there was experimentation using pig poo or more correctly methane as a fuel source. While the results proved to be very promising, the corn needed to feed the pigs was diverted to the manufacturing of Ethanol as a fuel source for automobiles. And so, theMethane project fell by the wayside. There is however a no cost way of producing all the Methane we need.
Introducing the Crap-O-Matic!
A simple, viable source of fuel. Human crap is transported from the toilet bowl through a special crap resistant hose to the special Ca Ca filtrator. Now the secret is in the special Ca Ca filtration system with thousands of tiny holes to separate the Methane from the Ca Ca. The Ca Ca pot when full is simply emptied into your gas tank. SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE.
Some helpful hints:
1. For high octane Ca Ca just eat lots and lots of beans.
2. For long distance trips be sure to drink two gallons of Prune Juice four hours before crap extraction.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
My Economic Plan to Save America
These are indeed dire times. Lehman Brothers has gone bankrupt. Merill lynch has been sold off because of economic insolvency. Housing foreclosures are the highest in history. Some economic pundits are even predicting another Great Depression!
And so...I feel duty bound to save the US of A from this economic meltdown. I have also enlisted the help of a great economic Guru. I have teamed up with the great economic advisor Charles Keating. Let me give all of you a little backround information about this great man.
Chuck is retired now and happily living in Arizona. Before his retirement however he was president and CEO of a great, patriotic financial institution Lincoln Saving and Loan Association. He's bosom buddies with hero John McCain and other great, patriotic notables.
Now for my plan to get us out of this financial morass:
First off there should be absolutely no taxes whatsoever for the rich and big corporations. They need all their money to stimulate our economy. After all, the more you have, the more you spend. Now the way to make up for this lost revenue is to tax the hell out of the poor and middle class. They have nothing and so they really have nothing to lose. Remember; nothing from nothing is nothing. The middle class don't need cars. They're too fat anyway and besides they're polluting the environment. Less money will force them to eat less and that way they'll be a lot healthier. Look...the people in China used to ride bicycles and they were thin and always smiling. Now with Chinas newfound wealth, everybody's driving cars and now they have a terrible pollution problem. They're starting to get fat too. Gone are the good old days when they graciously ate nothing but fisheads and rice. Now they only long for Surf and Turf.
The mortgage crisis:
If the middle and lower class didn't greedily think owning a house of their own was a right, there would be no mortgage crises. Whatever happened to the good old days when people lived in tents and could commune with nature? Middle class America, get back to your roots and learn once again to breath that good, outdoor fresh air.
So you see, there IS a simple solution to a simple problem.
And so...I feel duty bound to save the US of A from this economic meltdown. I have also enlisted the help of a great economic Guru. I have teamed up with the great economic advisor Charles Keating. Let me give all of you a little backround information about this great man.
Chuck is retired now and happily living in Arizona. Before his retirement however he was president and CEO of a great, patriotic financial institution Lincoln Saving and Loan Association. He's bosom buddies with hero John McCain and other great, patriotic notables.
Now for my plan to get us out of this financial morass:
First off there should be absolutely no taxes whatsoever for the rich and big corporations. They need all their money to stimulate our economy. After all, the more you have, the more you spend. Now the way to make up for this lost revenue is to tax the hell out of the poor and middle class. They have nothing and so they really have nothing to lose. Remember; nothing from nothing is nothing. The middle class don't need cars. They're too fat anyway and besides they're polluting the environment. Less money will force them to eat less and that way they'll be a lot healthier. Look...the people in China used to ride bicycles and they were thin and always smiling. Now with Chinas newfound wealth, everybody's driving cars and now they have a terrible pollution problem. They're starting to get fat too. Gone are the good old days when they graciously ate nothing but fisheads and rice. Now they only long for Surf and Turf.
The mortgage crisis:
If the middle and lower class didn't greedily think owning a house of their own was a right, there would be no mortgage crises. Whatever happened to the good old days when people lived in tents and could commune with nature? Middle class America, get back to your roots and learn once again to breath that good, outdoor fresh air.
So you see, there IS a simple solution to a simple problem.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Change, Change, Change. Change, Change, Change.
Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change.
The Dems want change. The Repubs want change. Everybody keeps spewing change, change change. BUT...is change really good? The short answer is NO! What really happens with change? You enter the unknown. That's what! Suppose your wife decides to change where you put your socks. She changes their location from the top right hand drawer to the bottom left hand draw. Now you have to search for your socks. Suppose instead of your favorite eggs over easy, she changes them to hard boiled. And you HATE hard boiled eggs! Was that a change for the better? Obviously not. I could go on and on.
The real solution is "the same old crap". With the same old crap, you know what to expect. Good or bad, the same old crap is comforting. No surprises, no disappointments, no guess work. It's just the same old crap.
Let's be realistic and keep things the way they are. We can deal with that. Let's have normal party conventions without false promises, without empty rhetoric. Let's just keep wearing those stupid hats, getting bombed and finding those obliging hookers. Forget that change nonsense. Let's stand up and be heard. Let our voices ring from the rafters "It may be crap BUT it's the SAME OLD CRAP!
The Dems want change. The Repubs want change. Everybody keeps spewing change, change change. BUT...is change really good? The short answer is NO! What really happens with change? You enter the unknown. That's what! Suppose your wife decides to change where you put your socks. She changes their location from the top right hand drawer to the bottom left hand draw. Now you have to search for your socks. Suppose instead of your favorite eggs over easy, she changes them to hard boiled. And you HATE hard boiled eggs! Was that a change for the better? Obviously not. I could go on and on.
The real solution is "the same old crap". With the same old crap, you know what to expect. Good or bad, the same old crap is comforting. No surprises, no disappointments, no guess work. It's just the same old crap.
Let's be realistic and keep things the way they are. We can deal with that. Let's have normal party conventions without false promises, without empty rhetoric. Let's just keep wearing those stupid hats, getting bombed and finding those obliging hookers. Forget that change nonsense. Let's stand up and be heard. Let our voices ring from the rafters "It may be crap BUT it's the SAME OLD CRAP!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Newsletter
Sales of my $5,000.00 a year newsletter are going great guns. To stimulate sales even further I'm offering absolutely free for a limited time only with every $5,000.00 order my latest book "How to Turn Your Microwave Oven into a NuclearReactor". Clear, easy to read step by step instructions and fully illustrated in color.
BUT WAIT:
Order within the next 24 hours and I'll also throw in the internet addresses of ten sites where you can buy Enriched Uranium. In addition, I'll even send you a coupon entitling you to a 25% discount with your first Uranium order.
BUT WAIT:
Order within the next 24 hours and I'll also throw in the internet addresses of ten sites where you can buy Enriched Uranium. In addition, I'll even send you a coupon entitling you to a 25% discount with your first Uranium order.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Real Truth
With the emergence now of the two political conventions, we the people of the United States of America are being fed the same old tired myths again. This fearless reporter has decided to expose these myths and at the cost of great personal danger has decided to give you my friends and loyal readers the real skinny.
Myth #1...Global Warming:
Global Warming is a complete sham. We need Global Warming. Who wants another Ice Age? Every year scores of folks move to Florida. Why? Because it's warm! How many people emigrate to the North Pole on a yearly basis? Few to none of course. Imagine a beautiful planet with one continuous Florida. Think of the money you'll save by no longer having to buy overcoats, long sleeve shirts, long johns.
Myth#2...Hybrid Cars:
Yup. They want you to think that this will stop our dependence on foreign oil. The reality is that this will cause a dependence on foreign electricity. The more plug in cars that are manufactured, the more electricity we'll be using to charge these cars on a daily basis. In no time a kilowatt hour will be selling for $10.00 or $20.00 per hour. The major oil producers are very aware of this and that's why they're reluctant to do any more offshore drilling. They have to put money aside now to buy digging equipment to unearth the coal necessary to feed these electric power plants.
Myth#3...Better Education:
Sure they want you to believe that we have to better educate our children to compete in this age of technology. With all theses technicians, who's left to pick up the garbage?
Myth#4...Health Care for All:
Too many healthy people leads to overpopulation which leads to food shortages. Need I say more?
There are many, many more myths and scams that are being perpetrated by both political parties and that's why I'm making this special, limited time offer to my constituency:
Sign up now for my special monthly newsletter "116 Secrets the Government Doesn't Want You to Know" today for only $5,000.00 a year and receive ABSOLUTELY FREE the following bonus
publications:
#1...Is GWB Really a Cross Dresser.
#2...How to Never Pay Taxes Again.
#3...Things to Do in Prison for Failure to Pay Your Taxes.
#4...How to Have Bootleg Cigarettes Delivered to Your Cell Every Thursday While in the Hoosegow.
Send your checks to: 116 Secrets
P.O. Box 116
Hidden Compound, Oregon, 10061
P.S. Make your checks out to cash.
Myth #1...Global Warming:
Global Warming is a complete sham. We need Global Warming. Who wants another Ice Age? Every year scores of folks move to Florida. Why? Because it's warm! How many people emigrate to the North Pole on a yearly basis? Few to none of course. Imagine a beautiful planet with one continuous Florida. Think of the money you'll save by no longer having to buy overcoats, long sleeve shirts, long johns.
Myth#2...Hybrid Cars:
Yup. They want you to think that this will stop our dependence on foreign oil. The reality is that this will cause a dependence on foreign electricity. The more plug in cars that are manufactured, the more electricity we'll be using to charge these cars on a daily basis. In no time a kilowatt hour will be selling for $10.00 or $20.00 per hour. The major oil producers are very aware of this and that's why they're reluctant to do any more offshore drilling. They have to put money aside now to buy digging equipment to unearth the coal necessary to feed these electric power plants.
Myth#3...Better Education:
Sure they want you to believe that we have to better educate our children to compete in this age of technology. With all theses technicians, who's left to pick up the garbage?
Myth#4...Health Care for All:
Too many healthy people leads to overpopulation which leads to food shortages. Need I say more?
There are many, many more myths and scams that are being perpetrated by both political parties and that's why I'm making this special, limited time offer to my constituency:
Sign up now for my special monthly newsletter "116 Secrets the Government Doesn't Want You to Know" today for only $5,000.00 a year and receive ABSOLUTELY FREE the following bonus
publications:
#1...Is GWB Really a Cross Dresser.
#2...How to Never Pay Taxes Again.
#3...Things to Do in Prison for Failure to Pay Your Taxes.
#4...How to Have Bootleg Cigarettes Delivered to Your Cell Every Thursday While in the Hoosegow.
Send your checks to: 116 Secrets
P.O. Box 116
Hidden Compound, Oregon, 10061
P.S. Make your checks out to cash.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
FLASH!! Hot off the Presses!
John McCain has picked his Vice Presidential running mate!
(But he forgot who it is)
(But he forgot who it is)
Monday, August 18, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Looking for Some Pith
Looking for something pithy to say. Therefore I must be searching I would surmise for a tangible item that has enough pith to be used to fuel my pithy saying. This is very deep and even Albert Einstein when he was alive (Al we hardly knew ye) struggled with understanding the pith concept. All he ever kept rambling on about was some stuff about e=mc2. That and finding a placed that served good Hot Pastrami on Rye.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How DoYou Do It?
People used to often ask me how I was able to get so close to tiny insects for my Macro photography. Today is the first time that I'll reveal my secret technique. You have to talk very nicely to the little bugger and always make an offering of some of your blood.
The Test
I took an online life expectancy test the other day. I found out that I've been dead for the past three months.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Honda
A few decades ago Honda Motors had a slogan that said, "Honda. The car that sell itself". It was used in print media and television ads. At that time I wondered: If Honda is the car that sells itself, then why do they advertise?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Watching Paint Dry
Okay! Here we go! It's 11:57 AM here in David, Panama and the temperature is a sunny 77 degrees as recorded by the Yahoo Weather Center. For the paint we've chosen ColorKote Indoor/Outdoor Spray Paint. Color white. Our surface will be a CD Jewelbox which appears to be for most intent and purposes non porouse. For viscosity and dryness evaluationh we have a wooden toothpick, round with pointed ends. Since this is our first event, we haven't line upped any sponsors so it's all commercial free.
12:02 PM...shaking the can. The Jewelbox surface has been sprayed and there's a cirular glob of paint in the middle.
12:04 PM...Other than a slightly unpleasant sort of perfume like smell, there appears no change as yet in regards to the viscosity of the paint.
12:08 PM...A definite puckering around the perimeter of the orb and a change in color quality froma gloss to more of a flat finish.
12:10 PM Aha...The puckering is rapidly increasing. Our toothpick viscosity test shows a sharp increase in the hardness of the paint both in the outer and inner portions of the paint. In another minute or so we'll do a scratch test to further determine dryness. (Betcha Albert Einstein never did high end science like this).
12:14 PM ...Continuing to pucker but it appears at a slower pace. The paint still has wetness to it.
12:18 PM...Entire orb is now puckered. My heart is pulsing with anticipation.
12:20 PM...Entirely puckered and our toothpick-o-meter shows the paint to be gooey and still not dry.
12:28 PM... Totally puckered and flat finished but still not totally dry. However, it shouldn't be long now.
12:32 PM... The toothpick-o-meter is still able to pierce the surface of the paint.
12:34 PM...Still tacky.
12:38 PM...Darn this is really taking a while to totally dry!
12:44 PM...I should mention that for expediencey I only used one coat of paint as opposed to the recommended two coats prescribed on the can. And...this sucker ain't dry yet.%$#@*&.
12:52 PM...The toothpick-o-meter can stand on it's own pointed end when inserted into the orb. Further examination also reveals tiny amounts of paint on the end when removed from the orb. A further indication of lack of complete dryness.
12:59 PM...THAT'S IT! TOTAL DRYNESS HAS BEEN ACHIEVED IN 57 MINUTES! WHAT A DAY! WHAT A DAY! OUR REMOTE CAMERAS ARE SHOWING ME SCORES OF PEOPLE AT THE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER GETTING UP FROM THEIR COMPUTER CONSOLES, HUGGING EACH OTHER, LAUGHING CRYING AND KISSING! WHEW!
12:02 PM...shaking the can. The Jewelbox surface has been sprayed and there's a cirular glob of paint in the middle.
12:04 PM...Other than a slightly unpleasant sort of perfume like smell, there appears no change as yet in regards to the viscosity of the paint.
12:08 PM...A definite puckering around the perimeter of the orb and a change in color quality froma gloss to more of a flat finish.
12:10 PM Aha...The puckering is rapidly increasing. Our toothpick viscosity test shows a sharp increase in the hardness of the paint both in the outer and inner portions of the paint. In another minute or so we'll do a scratch test to further determine dryness. (Betcha Albert Einstein never did high end science like this).
12:14 PM ...Continuing to pucker but it appears at a slower pace. The paint still has wetness to it.
12:18 PM...Entire orb is now puckered. My heart is pulsing with anticipation.
12:20 PM...Entirely puckered and our toothpick-o-meter shows the paint to be gooey and still not dry.
12:28 PM... Totally puckered and flat finished but still not totally dry. However, it shouldn't be long now.
12:32 PM... The toothpick-o-meter is still able to pierce the surface of the paint.
12:34 PM...Still tacky.
12:38 PM...Darn this is really taking a while to totally dry!
12:44 PM...I should mention that for expediencey I only used one coat of paint as opposed to the recommended two coats prescribed on the can. And...this sucker ain't dry yet.%$#@*&.
12:52 PM...The toothpick-o-meter can stand on it's own pointed end when inserted into the orb. Further examination also reveals tiny amounts of paint on the end when removed from the orb. A further indication of lack of complete dryness.
12:59 PM...THAT'S IT! TOTAL DRYNESS HAS BEEN ACHIEVED IN 57 MINUTES! WHAT A DAY! WHAT A DAY! OUR REMOTE CAMERAS ARE SHOWING ME SCORES OF PEOPLE AT THE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER GETTING UP FROM THEIR COMPUTER CONSOLES, HUGGING EACH OTHER, LAUGHING CRYING AND KISSING! WHEW!
No Image
It appears that Googles server isn't in the mood at this time to upload photos. We'll try later. But remember: today is the inaugural Paint Drying Event.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
See a Slideshow
If you want to see these photos in a larger side click on the photo on the left and you'll have a slideshow to wile away the time with. It only took me about forty tries to figure out how to make that thigamabob work.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Boredom
The most debilitating part of boredom is that you can't stop and rest. Then, thinking about all of this blog stuff I start to wonder; why would anybody, including me want to write about themselves. I already know everything that I've written down and I'm assuming that I'll have an outer audience ranging from zero to none...Sooooooo?
Anybody remember the comedian Jackie Vernon (deceased)? BTW...I'm not questioning whether or not he's deceased (he is), the question mark was was for the anybody remember Jackie part of the sentence. He labelled himself "King of the Dullards". And so as a way of paying hommage to Jackie, I'm going to sit and watch paint dry. I mean lay down some paint and sit and watch it dry. It'll make for an exciting event and I'll be doing real time, live coverage right here on this blog. See! Who the hell needs Wide World of Sports?
I'm setting this event date for Wednesday the 16 of June so you might want to check your schedules and set aside a few hours to watch the action. And for those of you who don't tune into this blog, you've got no idea of all the great stuff you're missing. Where else on the World Wide Web could you find another putz like me to bring you exciting, pithy events like the upcoming paint drying spectacular. I may even use three colors and turn it into a Triathalon!
Anybody remember the comedian Jackie Vernon (deceased)? BTW...I'm not questioning whether or not he's deceased (he is), the question mark was was for the anybody remember Jackie part of the sentence. He labelled himself "King of the Dullards". And so as a way of paying hommage to Jackie, I'm going to sit and watch paint dry. I mean lay down some paint and sit and watch it dry. It'll make for an exciting event and I'll be doing real time, live coverage right here on this blog. See! Who the hell needs Wide World of Sports?
I'm setting this event date for Wednesday the 16 of June so you might want to check your schedules and set aside a few hours to watch the action. And for those of you who don't tune into this blog, you've got no idea of all the great stuff you're missing. Where else on the World Wide Web could you find another putz like me to bring you exciting, pithy events like the upcoming paint drying spectacular. I may even use three colors and turn it into a Triathalon!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Volcan Baru
Located in the Chiriqui Highlands. Purported to be an inactive volano but in reality it's just taking a nap.
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