Endorsement

I'm Alfred E. Neuman and I endorse this candidate because I can relate to him!

Okay! Here We Go!!

My friend; my dear friends; my very dear friends; my very, very, dear friends and friends of my friends. I come to you today to declare my bid for president of the United States of America. I do this not lightly but, what else can I do. Let's take a close look at the other two choices. An old geezer and a political manipulator. I won't bore you with a long, tiresome monologue as I've already outlined my political agenda in prior posts. Now let's really examine the issues.

The other two both talk about change and I've already told you that with me at the helm, there will be absolutely no change at all. Just the same old crap. Why venture into the unknown. Why foster false hope. With me, you'll know exactly what to expect.; No surprises here.

As mentioned before, taxes will only be increased on the middle class and the lower class. I'm not going to take away money from those who spend it.

To combat corruption, I'll fill my staff with the biggest crooks that money can buy. Let's learn the tricks of the trade from the best of them.

With me you'll truly learn self reliance because you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this president won't do a damn thing for you.

You'll learn how to live in totally recyclable cardboard houses. You'll learn as stated before how to mow lawns, rake leaves and prune shrubs. It may not be very fulfilling but at least you'll have a job.

You have my word that I'll be very well paid. After all you don't what a shabby looking president. DO YOU?

We'll have wars galore because in my humble opinion, "a war a day keeps the bad guys away". Let's start by nuking Great Britain. Bet that will surprise the the hell out of them. Of course they did nothing wrong but, we have to send a clear message to those countries that don't like us very much letting them know that we have no favorites and we're trigger happy.

In conclusion let me just say:

A VOTE FOR ME WILL SET YOU FREE!

A VOTE FOR ME WILL SET YOU FREE!

EEHAW (courtesy of Howard Dean)

A Few Words

Larrys my name and toilets my game and I'm a mans man.

Preamble to my Kick Off Speech

Before I start my bid to become your new Commander in Chief, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my vice presidential running mate. And so without forcing you my constituents to wait and wait, let me introduce MY choice for vice president, a man uniquely qualified, a man whose knowledge of toilet seats makes him ideal to carry on the work of Crap-O-Matic industries in case I'm not able, a man of few words and so not committed to political blunders, a man who does not drop his g's at the end of words ending in ing, the honorable Larry "wide stance" Craig. Larry, say something to the folks.

Tomorrow...

I'm throwing my hat in the ring and declaring my candidacy for President of the United States of America. If we all write in, I can be your exalted Commander in Chief. I have a special surprise Vice Presidential pick too. You're gonna LOVE this very special person. Tune in tomorrow for my kick off campaign speech.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS LITHUANIAN FOLK DANCERS (I had to throw that in 'cus my demographic team told me that there's a large Lithuanian U. S. population).

Words to Live By

"Live every day as if it were your last because one of these days you'll be right!"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that really counts."

"You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!"

"If at first you don't succeed...you're about normal."

More on Politics (or) Moron Politics

"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted."

"War is what happens when arms are used instead of heads!"

On Politics

"These days, the only time politicians are telling the truth is when they call each other a liar."


"It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their conscience. They don't want to take advice from a total stranger."

"The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having elected too many yo-yos."

"Isn't it amazing how political candidates can give you all their good points and qualifications in a 30 second commercial?"

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

We are pleased...No, We are thrilled to announce the addition to the Crap-O Matic Staff of a man who needs no introduction. An idiots delight. A fool among fools. A morons moron. The personification of witlessness. A cerebral wasteland. The man who I have personally chosen to be our spiritual and educational guru.

We have been in negotiation with this man for many months. The negotiations I must say were long and tedious. He wanted to get paid in cash but finally succumbed to shares of our "I invested in America" stock. Thank heavens he's such an idiot.

And so, without further adieu let me proudly present the Honorable Alfred E. Neuman.

TAKE IT AWAY AL!

Our First PUTZ Volunteer

I Knew That I Forgot Something

I forgot to tell you the name of my new fantastic job training program. I call it the Public Unemployment Training Zone or PUTZ for short.

Gotta Take a Rest

It's more taxing than you think to type all this garbage using just two fingers.

The Fantastic Job Creation Plan

If we go back in history to The Great Depression we see that Franklin Delano Roosevelt created the New Deal. The objective was to put thousands of unemployed Americans to work. The most popular of all New Deal agencies, and Roosevelt's favorite, was the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC), which hired 250,000 unemployed young men to work on rural local projects. Now while that was innovative then it does have a few flaws. First of all it was hard, physical labor. Somewhat like a chain gang. Only the most fit males were qualified for this type of work. Secondly, it involved and involves buying lots of expensive, heavy equipment.

Now my plan will put even more people to work and can be done by both sexes both young and old alike and there's even room for the kids to be involved too.

What we do is buy up a whole bunch of push lawnmowers and have the unemployed mow the lawns of all our federal institutions. Did you ever see the size of the White House lawn? There's tons of federal buildings plus federal parks and federal jails. And for the geriatrics, they can attach their walkers right onto the handlebars of the mowers and just mow away. AND FOR THE DARLING KIDS: they walk around with the newly patented Crap-O-Matic Wealth Spreader spreading the wealth.

Now for phase two of the plan: Obviously we've got to pay these folks. For the kids, just give "em a Snickers Bar. They'll be happy and dentists will be too. But again, we've have to remunerate the other folks. Now instead of giving them cash or a check, we give them a share of the 700 billion dollars worth of worthless mortgage stock that the government is buying. We tell them that now they own a piece of America. Give them a lapel button too that says "I invested in America."

I rest my case! Am I a genius or what?

Coming Tomorrow My Fantastic Job Creation Plan

Spreading the Wealth

Well, Barack wants to spread the wealth. But how can he do it? INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW CRAP-O-MATIC WEALTH SPREADER:

Coming Soon

My plan to create thousands of jobs.

A Big Welcome

We are pleased to announce the appointment of Joe the Plumber to Crap-O-Matic industries. If anyone knows crap, it's Ol' Joe. Joe has always been known as a hands on guy in the Ca Ca department. Joe will be in charge of Research and Development of the Ca Ca Mobile and the Crap-O-Matic.

Healthy Living

Bank Investment

The Fed has decided to use 250 billion taxpayer dollars to buy preferred stock in troubled banks. How will they decide which banks will get the money? Here's how: create a Wheel of Fortune to randomly choose different banks each month until all the money is used up. In addition have a lottery where the winner has to pick six banks that will receive the money. This creates a supplemental income for the Treasury Department.

Let's Help the Stock Market

Over the past week the stock market has sunk like a lead balloon and it appears that the bleeding hasn't stopped. Something has to be done. And fast!

Here's what I have in mind: Let's have a telethon for the stock market. Telethons are an oft used tool to aid the disadvantaged and right now our stock market is in dire need of our support. We could put ob a show and get people to send in pledges of money to be used to buy stocks and bring the market up to its former self. All you need is a bunch of entertainers to amuse the viewers, a few tear jerker commercials and a witty host. Now for the host I had in mind people like Pinky Lee or Marcel Marceau but sadly both of them are deceased. So who else out there could be silly and provide lots of laughs over a twenty hour period? Of course! George W. Bush!

The Car of the Future is Here Today!

Here it is folks; the first and one and only Crapmobile! Based on the engineering of the Crap-O-Matic, this car runs on self made Methane. No more high gas prices. No waiting in long lines. Not one penny of out of pocket dinero for fuel other than buying Prune Juice in 55 gallon drums!

Give These Guys a Break

It's been reported in the news that after receiving money from the Fed to bailout their company, a bunch of AIG executives went to a plush resort in California and partied. Taxpayers and Congress are outraged. How dare these execs use this bailout money for partying! Well folks, you've got it all wrong.

Being a keen student of human psychology I can tell you the real motivation for this behavior. They weren't trying to have fun with your money but rather they were looking for some stress reduction. It's just like when we feel blue and downhearted we eat a big plate of Ice Cream. Well, this is their plate of Ice cream. They feel terrible about their companys failure and all of your money that they lost. And so, what's wrong with a relaxing massage or a food feast to help them get out of the doldrums. Rather than villefying them, send them a couple of bucks to tide them over until they can find another job. After all, it's the American thing to do.

The Financial Crisis Plan

Banking institutions are failing. They're loaded with bad mortgage paper. Money liquidity has dried up. People have seen their 401k's sink in value. The President wants to give away 700 billion dollars to all these failing institutions to keep them afloat.

What can we do? There's no money available to buy a car, make payroll for small businesses, pay that college tuition. Savings have lost a great amount of their value. What can we do?? The answer is simple:

We as individuals print our own money. All you need is a Canon Copier and some paper. Whatever amount of money you've lost during this financial down turn, you just print up your own to replace it. And since it's your money, you can customize it anyway you like. You don't need a picture of a dead president. Replace it with a photo of your kids, your wife, your mother or your dog. After all...IT'S YOUR MONEY!

Now the government doesn't have to lend 700 billion bucks to these failing train wrecks. You and all your fellow Americans and fellow taxpayers have all the money you need. Just stock up on a lot of ink and paper.

Now that you understand my simple plan, I'm sure you'll sleep a lot better tonight.

I'm Worried About My Retirement Fund

Don't worry little fellah. Tomorrow I'll unveil my plan to recoup all your money during this current financial crisis.

Combatting Corruption

Corruption is rampant. Lock up one crook and another one takes his place. Put one corrupt corporation out of business and a new one starts right up. Rather than trying to rid the country of corruption, we should embrace corruption. That's right; embrace corruption. If you can't get rid of it then utilize it to your benefit. How do we do this? The answer is in two words; licensing and taxing. License corruption and turn it into an honorable profession. And of course the more corrupt money you earn, the more you're taxed on those earnings. And to make sure that the wool isn't pulled over our eyes, hire the biggest, most corrupt crooks money can buy. After all, they know all the tricks of the trade.

Thank God I'm a genius (but a humble one).

Next Topic to be Covered is Combatting Corruption

No Cost Fuel for Your Car

Several years ago there was experimentation using pig poo or more correctly methane as a fuel source. While the results proved to be very promising, the corn needed to feed the pigs was diverted to the manufacturing of Ethanol as a fuel source for automobiles. And so, theMethane project fell by the wayside. There is however a no cost way of producing all the Methane we need.
Introducing the Crap-O-Matic!

A simple, viable source of fuel. Human crap is transported from the toilet bowl through a special crap resistant hose to the special Ca Ca filtrator. Now the secret is in the special Ca Ca filtration system with thousands of tiny holes to separate the Methane from the Ca Ca. The Ca Ca pot when full is simply emptied into your gas tank. SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE.

Some helpful hints:

1. For high octane Ca Ca just eat lots and lots of beans.
2. For long distance trips be sure to drink two gallons of Prune Juice four hours before crap extraction.

Stay Tuned for My New No Cost Energy Saving Invention!

My Economic Plan to Save America

These are indeed dire times. Lehman Brothers has gone bankrupt. Merill lynch has been sold off because of economic insolvency. Housing foreclosures are the highest in history. Some economic pundits are even predicting another Great Depression!

And so...I feel duty bound to save the US of A from this economic meltdown. I have also enlisted the help of a great economic Guru. I have teamed up with the great economic advisor Charles Keating. Let me give all of you a little backround information about this great man.

Chuck is retired now and happily living in Arizona. Before his retirement however he was president and CEO of a great, patriotic financial institution Lincoln Saving and Loan Association. He's bosom buddies with hero John McCain and other great, patriotic notables.

Now for my plan to get us out of this financial morass:

First off there should be absolutely no taxes whatsoever for the rich and big corporations. They need all their money to stimulate our economy. After all, the more you have, the more you spend. Now the way to make up for this lost revenue is to tax the hell out of the poor and middle class. They have nothing and so they really have nothing to lose. Remember; nothing from nothing is nothing. The middle class don't need cars. They're too fat anyway and besides they're polluting the environment. Less money will force them to eat less and that way they'll be a lot healthier. Look...the people in China used to ride bicycles and they were thin and always smiling. Now with Chinas newfound wealth, everybody's driving cars and now they have a terrible pollution problem. They're starting to get fat too. Gone are the good old days when they graciously ate nothing but fisheads and rice. Now they only long for Surf and Turf.

The mortgage crisis:

If the middle and lower class didn't greedily think owning a house of their own was a right, there would be no mortgage crises. Whatever happened to the good old days when people lived in tents and could commune with nature? Middle class America, get back to your roots and learn once again to breath that good, outdoor fresh air.

So you see, there IS a simple solution to a simple problem.

Coming Soon: My Economic Plan for The United States

Another Family Photo

Change, Change, Change. Change, Change, Change.

Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change. Change, change, change.

The Dems want change. The Repubs want change. Everybody keeps spewing change, change change. BUT...is change really good? The short answer is NO! What really happens with change? You enter the unknown. That's what! Suppose your wife decides to change where you put your socks. She changes their location from the top right hand drawer to the bottom left hand draw. Now you have to search for your socks. Suppose instead of your favorite eggs over easy, she changes them to hard boiled. And you HATE hard boiled eggs! Was that a change for the better? Obviously not. I could go on and on.

The real solution is "the same old crap". With the same old crap, you know what to expect. Good or bad, the same old crap is comforting. No surprises, no disappointments, no guess work. It's just the same old crap.

Let's be realistic and keep things the way they are. We can deal with that. Let's have normal party conventions without false promises, without empty rhetoric. Let's just keep wearing those stupid hats, getting bombed and finding those obliging hookers. Forget that change nonsense. Let's stand up and be heard. Let our voices ring from the rafters "It may be crap BUT it's the SAME OLD CRAP!

Newsletter

Sales of my $5,000.00 a year newsletter are going great guns. To stimulate sales even further I'm offering absolutely free for a limited time only with every $5,000.00 order my latest book "How to Turn Your Microwave Oven into a NuclearReactor". Clear, easy to read step by step instructions and fully illustrated in color.

BUT WAIT:
Order within the next 24 hours and I'll also throw in the internet addresses of ten sites where you can buy Enriched Uranium. In addition, I'll even send you a coupon entitling you to a 25% discount with your first Uranium order.

Have You Noticed That Flag Pins Keep Getting Bigger and Bigger?

Hmm...

Panamanian Air Mail

The Real Truth

With the emergence now of the two political conventions, we the people of the United States of America are being fed the same old tired myths again. This fearless reporter has decided to expose these myths and at the cost of great personal danger has decided to give you my friends and loyal readers the real skinny.

Myth #1...Global Warming:
Global Warming is a complete sham. We need Global Warming. Who wants another Ice Age? Every year scores of folks move to Florida. Why? Because it's warm! How many people emigrate to the North Pole on a yearly basis? Few to none of course. Imagine a beautiful planet with one continuous Florida. Think of the money you'll save by no longer having to buy overcoats, long sleeve shirts, long johns.

Myth#2...Hybrid Cars:
Yup. They want you to think that this will stop our dependence on foreign oil. The reality is that this will cause a dependence on foreign electricity. The more plug in cars that are manufactured, the more electricity we'll be using to charge these cars on a daily basis. In no time a kilowatt hour will be selling for $10.00 or $20.00 per hour. The major oil producers are very aware of this and that's why they're reluctant to do any more offshore drilling. They have to put money aside now to buy digging equipment to unearth the coal necessary to feed these electric power plants.

Myth#3...Better Education:
Sure they want you to believe that we have to better educate our children to compete in this age of technology. With all theses technicians, who's left to pick up the garbage?

Myth#4...Health Care for All:
Too many healthy people leads to overpopulation which leads to food shortages. Need I say more?

There are many, many more myths and scams that are being perpetrated by both political parties and that's why I'm making this special, limited time offer to my constituency:

Sign up now for my special monthly newsletter "116 Secrets the Government Doesn't Want You to Know" today for only $5,000.00 a year and receive ABSOLUTELY FREE the following bonus
publications:
#1...Is GWB Really a Cross Dresser.
#2...How to Never Pay Taxes Again.
#3...Things to Do in Prison for Failure to Pay Your Taxes.
#4...How to Have Bootleg Cigarettes Delivered to Your Cell Every Thursday While in the Hoosegow.

Send your checks to: 116 Secrets
P.O. Box 116
Hidden Compound, Oregon, 10061
P.S. Make your checks out to cash.

The New Obama Presidential Seal

FLASH!! Hot off the Presses!

John McCain has picked his Vice Presidential running mate!

(But he forgot who it is)

Screw Harry Potter