My First Press Conference

Me: I want to you all you ladies and gentlemen of the press here today so that we can all better understand my policies and why especially in these troubled times it's so vital to our country that I become your Supreme Ruler or as some folks like to say, your Commander in Chief.

Okay, let's begin. You...the gentlemen with the specs and goofy plaid jacket; what's on your mind?

Reporter: Sir you recently called John McCain an old geezer and Barack Obama a political manipulator. Don't you feel that kind of rhetoric is a bit harsh?

Me: No. Not at all. Actually, my staff wanted me to call McCain an old fart but I declined because I want this to be a clean campaign.

Now on the Obama matter, first he said only those making over $250,000.00 would be taxed. Then it became $200,000.00. Then Biden said $150,000.00. Then then other day Bill Richardson said $120,000.00. Then Obama went back to $250,000.00.

Now I have it from extremely reliable sources that Obama intends to increase taxes to anybody earning more than $18.47 a year.

Me: Okay, next question. You..you. The lovely lady with the outstanding set of twins. Hey honey! Sit on my lap and I'll let you sit in the Cabinet. Heh, heh. Ah...just joking folks. What good is a President without a sense of humor. Okay toots, fire away.

Reporter: Sir. I find your economic tax plan to be rather confusing. You want to tax the lower and middle class and not tax the rich at all? Is that correct?

Me: Right as rain sweety pie. Look...it's really simple. The lower and middle class spend no money and so they don't need any. The rich buy everything. Take away the buying power of the rich and the whole economy goes to pot. Got any? Pot I mean.

McCains got Joe the plumber to be his cry baby. Well folks let me read an email sent to me by my cry baby, Irving the Gynecologist: 'Dear Mr. Crap-O-Matic; I've been a Gynecologist for over twenty years and have enjoyed tremendous success. I make far more than $250,000.00 a year. Heck, that's just a drop in the bucket to me. If you increase my taxes I'll have to cut bak on my essential services. In other words...goodby stirrups and hello coat hangers. Now I don't want to do that but look; I can't give up the Rolls or the mansion or the Cessna. I can't stop pampering my kid and four wives but, somethings go to go! Keep up the good work Mr. Crap-O-Matic. You are our SAVIOUR'!

Yes folks Obama is The One and McCain is the Maverick and I am The Saviour. Now also I want you to check out our new Saviour arm bands. They're so much nicer than those silly buttons.

Me: Okay. I think I've answered enough questions a day so let me bid you adieu and check out those snazzy new arm bands (psst... Frank.Get the phone number of the babe with the twins and find out if she'd like to be Clintonized)