Friday, October 31, 2008


I'm Alfred E. Neuman and I endorse this candidate because I can relate to him!

Okay! Here We Go!!

My friend; my dear friends; my very dear friends; my very, very, dear friends and friends of my friends. I come to you today to declare my bid for president of the United States of America. I do this not lightly but, what else can I do. Let's take a close look at the other two choices. An old geezer and a political manipulator. I won't bore you with a long, tiresome monologue as I've already outlined my political agenda in prior posts. Now let's really examine the issues.

The other two both talk about change and I've already told you that with me at the helm, there will be absolutely no change at all. Just the same old crap. Why venture into the unknown. Why foster false hope. With me, you'll know exactly what to expect.; No surprises here.

As mentioned before, taxes will only be increased on the middle class and the lower class. I'm not going to take away money from those who spend it.

To combat corruption, I'll fill my staff with the biggest crooks that money can buy. Let's learn the tricks of the trade from the best of them.

With me you'll truly learn self reliance because you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this president won't do a damn thing for you.

You'll learn how to live in totally recyclable cardboard houses. You'll learn as stated before how to mow lawns, rake leaves and prune shrubs. It may not be very fulfilling but at least you'll have a job.

You have my word that I'll be very well paid. After all you don't what a shabby looking president. DO YOU?

We'll have wars galore because in my humble opinion, "a war a day keeps the bad guys away". Let's start by nuking Great Britain. Bet that will surprise the the hell out of them. Of course they did nothing wrong but, we have to send a clear message to those countries that don't like us very much letting them know that we have no favorites and we're trigger happy.

In conclusion let me just say:



EEHAW (courtesy of Howard Dean)

A Few Words

Larrys my name and toilets my game and I'm a mans man.

Preamble to my Kick Off Speech

Before I start my bid to become your new Commander in Chief, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my vice presidential running mate. And so without forcing you my constituents to wait and wait, let me introduce MY choice for vice president, a man uniquely qualified, a man whose knowledge of toilet seats makes him ideal to carry on the work of Crap-O-Matic industries in case I'm not able, a man of few words and so not committed to political blunders, a man who does not drop his g's at the end of words ending in ing, the honorable Larry "wide stance" Craig. Larry, say something to the folks.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


I'm throwing my hat in the ring and declaring my candidacy for President of the United States of America. If we all write in, I can be your exalted Commander in Chief. I have a special surprise Vice Presidential pick too. You're gonna LOVE this very special person. Tune in tomorrow for my kick off campaign speech.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS LITHUANIAN FOLK DANCERS (I had to throw that in 'cus my demographic team told me that there's a large Lithuanian U. S. population).

Words to Live By

"Live every day as if it were your last because one of these days you'll be right!"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that really counts."

"You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!"

"If at first you don't're about normal."

More on Politics (or) Moron Politics

"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted."

"War is what happens when arms are used instead of heads!"

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

On Politics

"These days, the only time politicians are telling the truth is when they call each other a liar."

"It's no wonder politicians don't listen to their conscience. They don't want to take advice from a total stranger."

"The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having elected too many yo-yos."

"Isn't it amazing how political candidates can give you all their good points and qualifications in a 30 second commercial?"

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."


We are pleased...No, We are thrilled to announce the addition to the Crap-O Matic Staff of a man who needs no introduction. An idiots delight. A fool among fools. A morons moron. The personification of witlessness. A cerebral wasteland. The man who I have personally chosen to be our spiritual and educational guru.

We have been in negotiation with this man for many months. The negotiations I must say were long and tedious. He wanted to get paid in cash but finally succumbed to shares of our "I invested in America" stock. Thank heavens he's such an idiot.

And so, without further adieu let me proudly present the Honorable Alfred E. Neuman.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Knew That I Forgot Something

I forgot to tell you the name of my new fantastic job training program. I call it the Public Unemployment Training Zone or PUTZ for short.

Gotta Take a Rest

It's more taxing than you think to type all this garbage using just two fingers.

The Fantastic Job Creation Plan

If we go back in history to The Great Depression we see that Franklin Delano Roosevelt created the New Deal. The objective was to put thousands of unemployed Americans to work. The most popular of all New Deal agencies, and Roosevelt's favorite, was the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC), which hired 250,000 unemployed young men to work on rural local projects. Now while that was innovative then it does have a few flaws. First of all it was hard, physical labor. Somewhat like a chain gang. Only the most fit males were qualified for this type of work. Secondly, it involved and involves buying lots of expensive, heavy equipment.

Now my plan will put even more people to work and can be done by both sexes both young and old alike and there's even room for the kids to be involved too.

What we do is buy up a whole bunch of push lawnmowers and have the unemployed mow the lawns of all our federal institutions. Did you ever see the size of the White House lawn? There's tons of federal buildings plus federal parks and federal jails. And for the geriatrics, they can attach their walkers right onto the handlebars of the mowers and just mow away. AND FOR THE DARLING KIDS: they walk around with the newly patented Crap-O-Matic Wealth Spreader spreading the wealth.

Now for phase two of the plan: Obviously we've got to pay these folks. For the kids, just give "em a Snickers Bar. They'll be happy and dentists will be too. But again, we've have to remunerate the other folks. Now instead of giving them cash or a check, we give them a share of the 700 billion dollars worth of worthless mortgage stock that the government is buying. We tell them that now they own a piece of America. Give them a lapel button too that says "I invested in America."

I rest my case! Am I a genius or what?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Coming Tomorrow My Fantastic Job Creation Plan

Spreading the Wealth

Well, Barack wants to spread the wealth. But how can he do it? INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW CRAP-O-MATIC WEALTH SPREADER:

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Coming Soon

My plan to create thousands of jobs.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Big Welcome

We are pleased to announce the appointment of Joe the Plumber to Crap-O-Matic industries. If anyone knows crap, it's Ol' Joe. Joe has always been known as a hands on guy in the Ca Ca department. Joe will be in charge of Research and Development of the Ca Ca Mobile and the Crap-O-Matic.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Healthy Living

Bank Investment

The Fed has decided to use 250 billion taxpayer dollars to buy preferred stock in troubled banks. How will they decide which banks will get the money? Here's how: create a Wheel of Fortune to randomly choose different banks each month until all the money is used up. In addition have a lottery where the winner has to pick six banks that will receive the money. This creates a supplemental income for the Treasury Department.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

Let's Help the Stock Market

Over the past week the stock market has sunk like a lead balloon and it appears that the bleeding hasn't stopped. Something has to be done. And fast!

Here's what I have in mind: Let's have a telethon for the stock market. Telethons are an oft used tool to aid the disadvantaged and right now our stock market is in dire need of our support. We could put ob a show and get people to send in pledges of money to be used to buy stocks and bring the market up to its former self. All you need is a bunch of entertainers to amuse the viewers, a few tear jerker commercials and a witty host. Now for the host I had in mind people like Pinky Lee or Marcel Marceau but sadly both of them are deceased. So who else out there could be silly and provide lots of laughs over a twenty hour period? Of course! George W. Bush!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Car of the Future is Here Today!

Here it is folks; the first and one and only Crapmobile! Based on the engineering of the Crap-O-Matic, this car runs on self made Methane. No more high gas prices. No waiting in long lines. Not one penny of out of pocket dinero for fuel other than buying Prune Juice in 55 gallon drums!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Give These Guys a Break

It's been reported in the news that after receiving money from the Fed to bailout their company, a bunch of AIG executives went to a plush resort in California and partied. Taxpayers and Congress are outraged. How dare these execs use this bailout money for partying! Well folks, you've got it all wrong.

Being a keen student of human psychology I can tell you the real motivation for this behavior. They weren't trying to have fun with your money but rather they were looking for some stress reduction. It's just like when we feel blue and downhearted we eat a big plate of Ice Cream. Well, this is their plate of Ice cream. They feel terrible about their companys failure and all of your money that they lost. And so, what's wrong with a relaxing massage or a food feast to help them get out of the doldrums. Rather than villefying them, send them a couple of bucks to tide them over until they can find another job. After all, it's the American thing to do.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Financial Crisis Plan

Banking institutions are failing. They're loaded with bad mortgage paper. Money liquidity has dried up. People have seen their 401k's sink in value. The President wants to give away 700 billion dollars to all these failing institutions to keep them afloat.

What can we do? There's no money available to buy a car, make payroll for small businesses, pay that college tuition. Savings have lost a great amount of their value. What can we do?? The answer is simple:

We as individuals print our own money. All you need is a Canon Copier and some paper. Whatever amount of money you've lost during this financial down turn, you just print up your own to replace it. And since it's your money, you can customize it anyway you like. You don't need a picture of a dead president. Replace it with a photo of your kids, your wife, your mother or your dog. After all...IT'S YOUR MONEY!

Now the government doesn't have to lend 700 billion bucks to these failing train wrecks. You and all your fellow Americans and fellow taxpayers have all the money you need. Just stock up on a lot of ink and paper.

Now that you understand my simple plan, I'm sure you'll sleep a lot better tonight.